Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
