I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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