Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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