You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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