when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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