For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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