So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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