Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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