i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize