please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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