the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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