i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
