I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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