Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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