I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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