He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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