she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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