fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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