She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
