I think I won the penis lottery.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
