call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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