My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Sorry about my life...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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