About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
The feeling are messing with the penis
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
