I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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