I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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