if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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