My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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