A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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