I want to have your abortion
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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