I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
