I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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