i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
