I want to have your abortion
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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