I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize