just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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