I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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