There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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