Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
