haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
