ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
