You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
