Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
