I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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