Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I fill condoms, not promises.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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