He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Randomize