i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
