Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
