Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
