Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
