did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
