There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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