Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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