Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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