I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
