I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My liver just had a heart attack.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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