I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
