mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
