ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
