Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
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