I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize